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Previous reports suggested that Duchovny was struggling with an addiction to Internet pornography and cybersex, but more recent rumors maintain that actual physical infidelity occurred. (However, just because Duchovny created a television series in which his fantasized writings turned into actual dalliances, we can't assume this infidelity manifested in his real life as well. Until we receive proof to the contrary, let's assume that he kept his pants on, unlike the main character he dreamt up and plays everyday.)
That being said, most couples would agree (rightfully so) that cybersex addiction can be just as devastating and hurtful as an actual affair, and it is becoming a growing concern in our tech-savvy society. According to a study released by Stanford University, 25 million Americans visit cybersex sites 1-10 hours per week, while 4.7 million Americans visit cybersex sites more than 11 hours per week.
What does the growing presence of available Internet pornography and cybersex mean for modern relationships?
Communication is required. Couples need to discuss what they consider infidelity within the confines of their relationship. For instance, is it okay for your partner to look at online pornography? Does it matter if you are present, or can he/she be free to surf solo without fear of you taking offense? Is it permissible for your partner to contact other people via the web for cybersex? Whatever you and your partner decide, agree to keep the honesty intact when accessing the web.
Consider the amount of time the cyber world takes away from your relationship. Even if you and your partner decide that cyber play is permissible, be aware of how much time you are spending on the Internet. If you are devoting more time to online erotica and virtual strangers than you are to your partner, then something is amiss. This can also be a sign of a cybersex addiction, particularly if you feel helpless to control your time online.
Secrets are a warning sign. When secrecy creeps into your "innocent" Internet play, it means that there is a problem. Whether you are hiding from your partner how much time you spend on the Internet, the sites you visit, or the people you talk to online, you are creating an environment for infidelity and relationship breakdown.
If you think that cybersex activity has become more than just a passing hobby, don't despair. Cybersex addiction can be treated, and your partner can help you through this difficult time. Click on this link for resources and treatment options. Cybersex addiction (and all sex addiction) can be just as devastating as drug/alcohol addictions, and most people need a system of support to stop their destructive behavior. Ask for help -- you will be so happy you did.
Hands
I study a girl's hands pretty intensely. Beautiful hands can portray daintiness and strength at the same time. I notice manicures, and complexion. I imagine what it's like to hold them. I'm not much of a hand holder, but pretty hands will turn me into a hand holder. I even watch how a girl grips things. There are definitely different objects and shapes that look amazing in a girl's hands, such as a wine glass. A wine glass has delicate curves that play off a woman's hands. When I notice fingers that are appealing tome, I imagine how those fingertips would feel.
Hair
I've mentioned hair before, so I wouldn't say it's a "little thing". But hair can do simple actions that can evoke powerful emotions. One day I ran into my friend on the way to work-the friend that wore high heels to the soccer game. One thing's for sure: this girl really knows how to take care of and do her hair. We were just talking and walking when a gust of wind blew right down the street and ran through her hair. The indescribable motion that took place in her hair was beautiful. I even noticed that a random guy we passed turned his head and looked. I didn't realize until the day was over, but seeing that gust of wind go through my friend's hair put me in a good mood the rest of the day. So, while hair is a big deal, little random moments can create big, great things.
Attitude Towards Others
When I go out to dinner with a girl, I keep a close eye on how she treats a waiter or hostess. Does she say "thanks," and generally act polite and respectful? Sometimes I feel as if I'm overly cordial to people: I wish them a nice day and always make sure to say "thanks." But, what makes a woman has to do with more than just how she treats me. A person with a beautiful personality treats everyone nicely and respectfully. It's fun to be out with a girl and watch her make people smile from afar. It makes me feel proud and lucky that I'm with her. It's already an amazing thing when I meet a girl that can brighten my days. But if this girl brightens everyone's days, then I'm even luckier.
What Does She Notice?It's fun meeting different people because they always bring a new perspective. When I break down music I love for people, they ask how I even care about every last little sound and note that I analyze and point out to them. What little things does a woman notice or point out? If we go to a Broadway show, for example,does she notice something in the background set? Does she notice the couple in front of us that are very much in love? Does she notice that the usher hates us because we are whispering and showed up just as the lights were going down? Sure, we share big thoughts and ideas with one another, but sometimes you can learn a lot about a person just by the details they notice in life and moments. It is a fun adventure going out with someone who can laugh at and notice little things, and who always brings new insights to different situations.
Once I realized that I was noticing little things, I came to the conclusion that little simple moments are just part of overall beauty. Beauty can be defined in a collection of moments, or memories more often than it can be defined by someone's appearance.
Seeing a girl across the room, holding a wine glass with pretty hands and making people smile, or a moment in the morning where the windr uns through a girl's hair, or a girl I'm noticing someone walking by in a Members Only jacket, are simple moments that should never be taken for granted.
What is a little thing (appearance, moment or personality)that you notice in a guy that is a simple, beautiful thing?
The family of Sahal Abdi-kafi no longer talk to him following his wedding to his long-time girlfriend Zamzam Ahmed, a member of Somalia's lower caste Yahar community.
Despite his family's strong disapproval, the couple went ahead with their marriage, encouraged by an edict from the Islamist group which has taken control of the capital, Mogadishu, and much of southern Somalia this year after 15 years of lawlessness.
Sahal and Zamzam had been seeing each other secretly for five years but neither ever really believed their romantic dream would end in marriage.
"We were very different - in lifestyle, in thinking, in tastes," said Sahal, who runs a big electronics shop in Mogadishu's main Bakara Market and who comes from a prominent family of merchants.
In contrast, Zamzam's father has died and her mother sells the popular stimulant khat.
"Yet we fell in love, we expected the heavens to fall when my parents would come to know of our affair, we expected the worst and were prepared for the worst," Salal says.
After centuries of deep divisions, cross caste weddings like Sahal and Zamzam's are now becoming more common.
Prejudice
Union of Islamic Courts leader Sheikh Sharif Sheikh Ahmed recently said Somalis should marry good Muslims, whatever caste they were from, in an effort to break down centuries of prejudice.
"Islam recommends choosing your partner according to whether they follow their religion and whether they are of good character but not because of their social level," he said.
Sahal, 35, supports the Islamists and says Mr Ahmed's speech convinced him to go ahead with the wedding, despite his parents' opposition.
Somalia's caste system is extremely complicated.
While some members of the lower castes, such as the Yahar, Midgan, Eyle, Boon, say they face constant discrimination, several members have risen to occupy prominent positions in society.
Many members of the lower castes perform jobs such as metal-working, hunting with dogs, shoe-making and hairdressing.
Marriage is the area where traditional prejudices remain strongest, with men who marry lower caste women often ostracised by their families.
Beloved
Sahal knew his family would be upset by the wedding and felt unable to tell them that he and Zamzam had gone ahead and tied the knot.
When he did break the news, his father immediately told him to divorce his new wife and choose another, higher caste, woman.
Mohammed Olad Hassan
Ah, the first date -- you've been primping and plucking, and it's finally show time. After all that work you don't want to send them running for the hills because of something thoughtless you did at the table or in the car. Here are eight key guidelines on what to avoid...
"I Don't Valet" Sure, some people don't like to leave their cars in the hands of a valet. We get that. But if you've driven around the block more than three times and you're prepared to go an additional five until you find street parking (even if the spot is blocks away), quit while you're ahead. Avoiding the valet makes you look cheap and that's not a good look, especially on a first date.
Nix Your Ex Never go on about any of your exes. Obsessing over them makes you look insecure. And when's the last time someone found that attractive in a prospective mate? If you're still bruised over an ex or simply enjoy discussing old flames, spout off to a friend or family member -- anyone, but not that cutie who just asked you out for Friday night!
Texting... or answering your mobile phone for social purposes are big no-no's on a date. And please don't try to be sneaky or "polite" by attempting to text under the table. It's obnoxious. Ask yourself if you like the person you're with enough to leave your phone for a couple hours. If you still can't resist, go to the bathroom.
Don't Be Nosey No blowing your schnoz at the table. And you might think this goes without saying, but it doesn't: the same goes for picking your teeth. People do the most absent-minded and unattractive things on dates, so step it up a little bit. If you desperately need to take some hygienic action, simply excuse yourself and go to town some place else, just not at the table.
Play Nice Being rude to the wait staff is a major turn off. And please lay off of the snapping when you need your waiter's attention. It's always best to keep your cool -- nothing's more attractive than that.
Pass On The Pricey Stuff Ordering the 3 lb. lobster and filet dinner or the homemade pasta with a mound of freshly shaved white truffles is obnoxious no matter who's paying. Don't go for the gold. Show a little class by sticking with the moderately priced ticket items.
Booze It ‘Til You Lose It Just one drink too many and you may find yourself saying and doing things that make all of the above look like afternoon charm school. And even if you don't go crazy, you might do some over-sharing that you'll regret in the morning. So, never go overboard on alcohol -- it's a safety issue as well as an etiquette one.
Ditch The Dutch We may sound old-fashioned but when a guy asks a girl out, there's only one way to go on a first date when the bill arrives -- the guy pays. No matter how many times the woman offers to chip in, the answer is "thank you, but no." It's just the thing to do to make her feel special. And be clear. Wavering can be just as bad as accepting her money.
The amazing Carpio sextuplets have been named.
Victor and Digna Carpio of Queens, who welcomed New York's second-ever set of sextuplets, unveiled the names of the four boys and two girls Monday at a press conference at Mt. Sinai Hospital in Manhattan.
The names are: Justin, Danelia, Jezreel, Genesis, Joel and Jadon.
The four boys and two girls arrived Oct. 6, and the parents kept the amazing news secret while doctors worked feverishly to make sure the infants all lived.
"I've watched each of my babies fight so hard to survive," said Digna Carpio, 31, her eyes welling up with tears. "Life is beautiful, and we're so thankful."
The babies were born in the 25th week of pregnancy, and each tipped the scales at 1 1/2 to 2 pounds.
"The doctors couldn't believe how much they weighed," said Victor Carpio, 36, a maintenance worker at the New York City Housing Authority. "The two girls [known as E and F] were the heaviest ones," he added, smiling.
The Carpio six are believed to be the first sextuplets born to a Hispanic couple in the U.S. Their parents are naturalized U.S. citizens from Ecuador.
Doctors initially gave girl F only a 25% chance of survival because of problems with her heart. It now looks as if she will beat the odds and survive.
"They had to perform surgery last week to repair a heart valve," Digna Carpio said. "But she's doing much better now, and they tell me her chances are better than 75%."
Even though they'd been preparing for the big delivery day for months, the birth caught them and their only other child, 7-year-old Jhancarlos, by surprise.
"I'd just dropped my son off at school when I get a call from my wife at the hospital," Victor Carpio recalled.
By the time Victor Carpio arrived at the hospital around 10 a.m., accompanied by his sister Eulalia Carpio, the doctors were preparing for the Caesarean section delivery.
The first child was born at 10:36 a.m. - and the last four minutes later.
"It was incredible seeing all six of them in the arms of those smiling nurses," Victor Carpio said. "We couldn't ask for better treatment from any hospital."
His wife was awake from her anesthesia within moments, and her first questions were: "How are they? Are they all alive?"
"I told her, 'Yes, Mami, they're all fine. They all made it,' " the husband recalled.
"They're all so tiny and wrinkled," Jhancarlos added.
The euphoria of getting six bundles of joy is already giving way to panic for the exhausted parents.
"I can't sleep worrying about [how] we'll manage to care for them," Victor Carpio said.
Some help has come from Tony Avella, the couple's local City Council member, who has launched a collection drive for baby bottles, diapers, strollers and other supplies they will need.
Avella has urged donors to bring such goods to his office at 38-50 Bell Blvd., suite C in Bayside, or call (71
747-2137 for pickup. Avella is not accepting any monetary donations.
The city's only other sextuplets, the Boniellos, were born in 1997.
JUAN GONZALEZ
The surprising, enlightening, and sometimes hard truths we all face after marriage, and how they teach us about what love really means.
"...And they lived happily ever after."
You're smart. You know life is no storybook. But admit it: Somewhere deep in your subconscious lurk romantic visions of Cinderella, or maybe Julia Roberts. The images may be sketchy and a little outdated, but you can still make out the silhouette of the bride and Prince Charming riding off into the sunset.
In real life, sometimes your Disney fairy tale ends up feeling more like a Wes Craven horror flick — and you're the chick who keeps falling down and screaming for her life. I've been there. Let's face it, marriage is not for the faint of heart. You want to believe your pure love for each other will pull you through. And it does. But it ain't always pretty.
That may sound grim. But here's a secret: Sometimes it's the least romantic parts of marriage that have the most to teach you about yourself, your partner, and the nature of love. Read on for some simple truths that will unlock the surprising treasures and pleasures in your imperfect, unstorybook, real-life love.
When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy — your soul mate — you'll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn't make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, This is so not what I signed up for.
Actually, it is. You just didn't realize it the day you and your guy were cramming wedding cake into each other's faces, clinking champagne glasses, and dancing the Electric Slide. Back then you had no idea that "for better and for worse" doesn't kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills. That's when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief. It's not him. It's just you, letting go of that sugarcoated fantasy of marriage that danced in your eyes the day you and your beloved posed in all those soft-focus wedding photos. You're learning that marriage isn't a destination; it's a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium.
Waking up from a good dream to face the harsh morning daylight may not seem like a reason to celebrate. But trust me, it is. Because once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that's better than any fairy tale.
Early on, when people say, "Marriage takes work," you assume "work" means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. In your naiveté, you think that you will struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence.
If only it were that easy. Human beings, you may have noticed, are not simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths — and from where he sits, you're pretty complicated, too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned earth science or world geography. And getting married doesn't mean you're done — it just means you've advanced to graduate-level studies. That's because every time you think you've mastered the material, he'll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.
"It's like losing weight," says Andrea Harden, 45, of Buffalo, NY. "You want it to be a one-time deal. You lost it, now just live. But then you learn it's a lifestyle. That's marriage. The effort is a forever thing." So don't be too hard on yourself — or him — on those days when you feel like you're struggling through remedial math.
Whoever decided to tell newlyweds "Never go to bed angry" doesn't know what it's like inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as one spouse talks the other into a woozy stupor until night meets the dawn. If this scenario sounds familiar, I've got three words for you: Sleep on it.
You need to calm down. You need to gain perspective. You need to just give it a rest. I've found that an argument of any quality, like a fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you figure out whether you're angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feeling underappreciated. Could be you're both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe you really do have a legitimate disagreement to work out. Without a time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as you get more and more wound up.
Even when you do manage to stay focused and on topic, there are some fights that stubbornly refuse to die by bedtime. And if you stifle your real feelings just to meet some arbitrary deadline, your marriage will surely be the worse for it. "This was a huge lesson for me," says Andrea. "As women we've been trained to make nice. But the whole kiss-and-make-up thing just to keep the peace was eating me up inside. I'd let things build up inside me until I just exploded. Now I wait a while to get hold of myself — let the emotions settle a bit — and state my position. Even if that means reopening the fight the next day."
There are few men in the Western world sexier than my husband. And I don't say this because I know he may read this article. I've seen women checking him out when they think I'm not looking. (Honestly, ladies, you don't have to sneak a peek. I don't mind if you stare.) That said, there are times that I just don't feel like having sex — often for reasons that have nothing to do with Genoveso. (See? Even his name is sexy.) I can't lie and say this is always okay with him. But the fact is, there are also plenty of nights when he's not in the mood. So maybe a few days go by when we don't do it. And then a few more. And...
Sexless periods are a natural part of married life. A dry spell isn't a sign that you've lost your mojo or that you'll never have sex again. It just means that maybe this week, sleep is more important than sex. (I don't know about you, but between work, 3 a.m. feedings, the PTA, soccer, T-ball, and everything else, I sometimes crave sleep the way a pimply, hormonal adolescent longs to cop a feel.)
And don't kid yourself; no one in America is doing it as often as popular culture would have you believe. Instead of worrying about how much you think you "should" be having sex, keep the focus on figuring out your own rhythm. "I used to think, What's happened to us? We always used to be in the mood," says 35-year-old Kim Henderson of Oakland, CA, who's been married for five years. "Now I know better. Life happens. My husband just started a new job. He has a long commute, and we have two small children. I think we're good."
The key is to make sure that even if you're not doing "it," you're still doing something — touching, kissing, hugging. Personally, my heart gets warm and mushy when my husband rubs my feet after a long, tiring day. He may not be anywhere near my G-spot, but that little bit of touch and attention keeps us connected even when we're not having spine-tingling sex.
I can be a bit of a know-it-all. There, I said it. It's really not my intention to be hurtful or brash with people I love. It's just that a lifetime of experience has taught me that in most areas, at most times, I am right about most things. What shocked me several years into my marriage, though, was the realization that the more "right" I was, the more discontented my husband and I were as a couple. See, oddly enough, throughout his life Genoveso has been under the misguided impression that he's right most of the time (go figure!). So we'd lock horns — often. That is, until I learned a few things.
There are few men in the Western world sexier than my husband. And I don't say this because I know he may read this article. I've seen women checking him out when they think I'm not looking. (Honestly, ladies, you don't have to sneak a peek. I don't mind if you stare.) That said, there are times that I just don't feel like having sex — often for reasons that have nothing to do with Genoveso. (See? Even his name is sexy.) I can't lie and say this is always okay with him. But the fact is, there are also plenty of nights when he's not in the mood. So maybe a few days go by when we don't do it. And then a few more. And...
Sexless periods are a natural part of married life. A dry spell isn't a sign that you've lost your mojo or that you'll never have sex again. It just means that maybe this week, sleep is more important than sex. (I don't know about you, but between work, 3 a.m. feedings, the PTA, soccer, T-ball, and everything else, I sometimes crave sleep the way a pimply, hormonal adolescent longs to cop a feel.)
And don't kid yourself; no one in America is doing it as often as popular culture would have you believe. Instead of worrying about how much you think you "should" be having sex, keep the focus on figuring out your own rhythm. "I used to think, What's happened to us? We always used to be in the mood," says 35-year-old Kim Henderson of Oakland, CA, who's been married for five years. "Now I know better. Life happens. My husband just started a new job. He has a long commute, and we have two small children. I think we're good."
The key is to make sure that even if you're not doing "it," you're still doing something — touching, kissing, hugging. Personally, my heart gets warm and mushy when my husband rubs my feet after a long, tiring day. He may not be anywhere near my G-spot, but that little bit of touch and attention keeps us connected even when we're not having spine-tingling sex.
I can be a bit of a know-it-all. There, I said it. It's really not my intention to be hurtful or brash with people I love. It's just that a lifetime of experience has taught me that in most areas, at most times, I am right about most things. What shocked me several years into my marriage, though, was the realization that the more "right" I was, the more discontented my husband and I were as a couple. See, oddly enough, throughout his life Genoveso has been under the misguided impression that he's right most of the time (go figure!). So we'd lock horns — often. That is, until I learned a few things.
Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown man — stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies — is truly an impossible task. And you will come to realize, sooner than later if you're lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to him.
Here's a perfect case in point: "I used to go off on my husband because he didn't empty the sink trap when he cleaned the kitchen," says Kimberly Seals Allers, 36, of Bay Shore, NY. "It got me nowhere; my rants only made him resentful. Now I come home and when the kitchen looks clean, I'm like, 'Cool, now all I have to do is empty the sink trap.'"
I've got issues. Trust issues. Control issues. And others, I'm sure, that I've yet to fully discover. I guess I've always known I wasn't perfect. But in more than a decade of marriage, I've been smacked upside the head with the cold, hard evidence.
There were clues when Genoveso and I were dating, especially with the trust thing. Early on, I was supersuspicious of him. He used to say things like, "I'll call you at 8." Then, just to try to trip me up, he'd call at 8. I knew he was up to something, I just couldn't figure out what. The same kinds of experiences followed after the wedding. Except occasionally he would actually mess up. And I had no sense of scale when it came to rating his offenses; everything was a major violation. Whether he teased me about a new haircut or came home late, I seethed for days and even let thoughts of divorce creep into my head. I figured, if he loved me — really and truly — this stuff wouldn't happen.
I'd like to be able to say that this irrational behavior lasted only a few months and I eventually worked it out. Kind of, sort of, is closer to the truth. After years of looking deeply into my soul and talking to good friends and the best sister a girl could ever have, I've come to recognize certain things about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil about it, but I've had to examine my history with an emotionally distant dad and a strong-willed mom and face up to all the ways, both good and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my marriage.
I still struggle as a work in progress. But I am completely clear in the knowledge that many of the deepest frustrations in your relationship are an opportunity for you to confront yourself. That can be difficult to accept — after all, it's so much more comforting to keep a running tab of your hubby's deficits and tell yourself that his failings are the only thing standing between you and a better marriage. But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-awareness can be one of the more fulfilling rewards of a committed, long-term relationship — you'll learn to love your quirks and be compassionate toward yourself, just as you're learning to do with him.
Ylonda Gault Caviness
Until three years ago, my wife and I had a relatively happy 30-year marriage. We were living in the south of England but my wife had long wanted to return to her native Scotland, so she'd gone back there to study, returning home at weekends. I hoped this would help her see that living there wouldn't work but it had the opposite effect.
Despite my protestations that she was deserting me, she left me to live in the wilds of Scotland shortly after I retired. Her plan was to return to see me, our children and our grandchildren for a few days each month. She told me she was going back whether I liked it or not.
In order to finance her move to Scotland, we sold our family home and bought a small flat in a lively city where I thought I could be content in her absence.
However, I realised after a while that I didn't want to spend my retirement alone so I followed her to Scotland, telling myself that I should give it a try.
Unfortunately, I couldn't settle there. Where she lives is beautiful but wild and bleak and the nearest city is more than an hour away. She is fairly anti-social and made no attempt to help me meet people. Despite my unhappiness, she was not prepared to return to England. We tried marriage guidance but got nowhere.
In fact, I got angrier and angrier and eventually returned home. If I had stayed, I am convinced I would have become ill, taken to the bottle or killed myself or her.
I have thoroughly involved myself in the life where I live but my feelings of anger towards my wife have grown stronger. All our money is now tied up in two properties and the cost of travelling between them. The dreams I had of retirement together are shattered.
I have had some more counselling on my own, and it is clear that my choice is either to accept the pattern my wife wants, or to split up and lose her. My inclination is to end the marriage because I fear I will never swallow my feelings of resentment at the way she has destroyed everything. I know this will be difficult, and that I may be condemning myself to a lonely old age, but I cannot stomach the alternative.
Do you think I am right to believe that her behaviour is unacceptable and that I should end our relationship?
Nicholas
Dear Nicholas,
The reason your relationship, as you knew it, is at an end is not because your wife's behaviour is unacceptable but because your wife has acted unilaterally.
It really doesn't matter whether you accept her behaviour or not, because nothing you do is going to change it.
Reading your account of the disintegration of your hopes, it seems clear to me that your wife has retreated to a life that is more important to her than whatever it was you had together or could have in the future. What she has done seems very definite to me; what muddies the water is her conciliatory offer to spend a bit of time – not a lot – returning to the remnants of her former life.
I imagine that she thinks her offer keeps you happy but this kind of keeping people happy never works. It simply stirs up bewilderment, dissatisfaction and resentment; or, in your case, a great deal of anger.
I imagine she has real feelings of love and affection for you and your children and grandchildren. But these feelings are not strong enough to outweigh whatever satisfaction and fulfilment she is finding in her life in Scotland. The fact that she has returned to the place of her birth and upbringing, the fact that she is engaged in creative work so absorbing that she has no attention to give to you, suggests more to me than a midlife whim.
I suspect that your wife has returned to a self and to dreams that she put to one side all the time she was married and bringing up children.
It looks like the remembering of this unfulfilled self is more important to her, at this point, than any amount of "enjoying" life as one half of a retired couple. Under your anger lies a great deal of pain. You hurt because you are experiencing inexplicable rejection. You won't turn this around overnight but you can turn it around.
I am going to invite you to imagine yourself into a future that, at the moment, seems only dark to you. In this future you will find a way to deal with the raging anger eating you up now. The anger is understandable but it hurts nobody but yourself.
You will not be able to move forward until you can free yourself from it.
Google "dealing with anger" for any number of books and approaches you might find helpful. Try violent physical exercise. Keep up the counselling and the marriage guidance – at least you are trying to make sense of the way your life has turned upside down.
You will stay stuck as long as you expect your wife to return to the status quo and make things right for you both. In order for a good future to unfold, I suggest you take your attention off her and take a good look at who you are, what remains unexplored in you and what you could do to make yourself feel more alive.
You are obviously a proactive man and live in a place that offers you opportunities to get involved. Go through any inviting door that opens to you and train yourself to spot those doors. As one half of a long marriage, you are habituated to look inward. Now you are going to have to learn to look outward. You will not be condemning yourself to a lonely old age unless you choose to.
As a man you are at a great advantage because single women in your age bracket greatly outnumber single men. It wouldn't surprise me at all to hear that you've already been marked out by a woman or two, who are waiting to see how your marital situation settles down.
You could make a great life for yourself. It just won't be the life you have spent so long imagining. I do hear from readers who have suffered from a late-life blow and managed to dust themselves down and start all over again.
I would also consider finding some paid work, even part-time, to subsidise the travel you have been planning. You say you have started some voluntary work. Have you considered volunteering overseas? It could be a life-changing way to travel.
You may end up divorcing but I am wary of major decisions made in emotional turmoil. Why not give yourself a year before you decide anything irrevocably?
What I wish for you is that you allow yourself some moments of discovery and personal happiness. Each moment of interest and enjoyment is a moment free of pain and anger. You feel as though your wife has stolen something from you but there's another way to look at it. Your wife has given you the gift of time and space. Take it. >>>>
The world's most obese man is getting hitched. Manuel Uribe says he will wed longtime girlfriend Claudia Solis on Oct. 26 in
Uribe is unable to walk, and leaving his house means being towed through the streets on his specially made bed.
This year the Guinness Book of World Records declared Uribe, who tipped the scales at 1,230 pounds in 2006, the world's heaviest man.
The 43-year-old has shed about 550 pounds since with the help of Solis. The two met four years ago.
Uribe said Wednesday he will have a bite of wedding cake for photos, but won't eat any more because his diet prohibits it. >>>>
You've had feelings for your friend for a while and you're worried about crossing the line and ruining the friendship. That's not really true, of course, but that's what you keep telling yourself so you can justify not putting yourself on the line and risking rejection.
Sure -- it's possible to love a friend of the opposite sex without picturing him or her in bed. Having feelings for your friend doesn't necessarily prove Harry's theory in "When Harry Met Sally" who famously declared that "No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."
There are exceptions to Harry's rule, but one thing is certain -- being seen as just a friend by all the people you want to date can be frustrating. So here are a few ways to prevent being stuck in (cue scary music): 'The Friend Zone':
1. Do Flirt
It's okay if romance is on your brain when you greet your friend. In fact, it can fuel the chemistry. It's good for your friend to catch you subtly checking him or her out. As long as you're not drooling or gawking, it can be sexy. You want your friend to think he or she imagined the look. Light touching and sincere and specific compliments are great for flirting, too.
2. Don't Be the Problem Solver
Are you on speed dial every time your friend needs something fixed or wants to process a bad relationship? It's nice to help your friend occasionally, but make sure you're not the one he or she associates with problems.
If you do come over to help, mention that you're happy to assist for an hour but have plans after that. Better to remain a little mysterious and have your friend wondering who else is getting your attention.
3. Have Fun
Create unique memories. You're aware of your friend's passions, so initiate fun and interesting activities that you know your friend will enjoy but isn't doing with others.
And -- if someone has dumped you, confide in a friend you don't have feelings for! Remember to keep an upbeat attitude and stay confident -- those are two of the most attractive qualities cited by singles when looking for a mate.
Of course, not every friendship ends with a romantic happy ending and you may have to be prepared that your crush just wants to stay your friend. You'll have to decide if that's enough for you.
In the meantime, if you feel like you often end up in the friend zone with people you want to date, plant some of these seeds and see if anything grows in your relationship. Sometimes a glass of wine or a flirtatious exchange can change the dynamic... and you look at each other and wonder why it took so long.
5 Dating Tips for Divorced Dads
I got a call from a friend who married right out of college, divorced ten years after that, and now shares custody of his seven-year-old with his ex. The call went something like this: "Can you remind me what a dating site is? You've told me about it but it never mattered before. How do I work this thing?" (This is from someone who used to teach me the Commodore 64 in elementary school.)
For many single dads, Internet dating was not an option when they were in the dating pool. And, let's face it, for some single dads the Internet wasn't even born when they recited their vows.
It's difficult enough to navigate the dating world when you're single and perhaps even more difficult when you're looking to date again after marriage.
So, if you're a dad who is single again, I have five that will help you get on your way to a successful online dating experience. Meanwhile, take a look at this interview.
1. View This As An
Being on a dating site and revealing the fact that you have a child is an advantage you may not have in another scenario. Be honest and upfront about your status as a single dad in your dating profile. You come as a package!
Divorced daters also have an advantage in that (I hope) they have learned something about themselves and what they're looking for in a partner. Write out all the things you have learned about yourself and what you believe you must have and can't stand in a potential mate. Examine the list so that you have clarity on your needs and dating goals moving forward.
2. Know When You're Ready To Date Seriously And Make Your Intentions Known
It can be exciting to date again after many years of marriage; but you may not want to rush into another relationship when you are newly separated. It's important to take some time to date again and exercise your dating muscle. It's also important to make your intentions known so that people who find you online realize you're not looking for a serious commitment at this point in time.
When you're ready to get into a serious relationship again and/or if you're interested in having more children in the future, it's also a good idea to highlight these facts in your dating profile.
Many women are drawn to a man with good family values and you'll access a pool of women who are looking for the same thing.
3. Know When Your Kids Are Ready
Your child doesn't need to know the details of your dating life or your online dating activity. Generally speaking, it's a good idea to date for at least a few months before an introduction is made between your child and your date. It's important to see serious long-term potential before you integrate the person you're dating into your family.
Remember - your child didn't choose to be in this situation; and after going through a divorce, stability is important for him or her. Refer to your new date as a 'friend' until you are certain it's something more.
4. Spend Less Than Half Of Your Profile Talking About Your Child
Of course being a dad is an important part of your life and you should mention this in the 'About Me' section. In most cases
it's good to spend a few lines talking about your favorite activities with your child and what you love about being a parent, and then move on. You have more interests and facets to your identity than being a dad, so find the balance when you're writing your online profile.
Include simple photos of yourself - a close up and one full-body shot works best online. If you want to include a photo of your child, that's fine too - just remember that the internet attracts predators. For this reason, you may not want to post a shot that shows a clear view of your child's face or advertises too much personal or contact information.
5. Do Your Research And Have Fun!
Surf around the net and look at dating profiles of single dads across the country. Pick a few that you like and want to emulate in your dating profile.
Most important, take the pressure off yourself and HAVE FUN.
Always keep your dating profile upbeat, positive and humorous. Women are attracted to men who are confident and playful. It's OK to reflect on what you've learned through your last relationship but leave the negativity out!
I, for one, think being a devoted single dad is sexy! It shows women that you are loyal, have good care-taking abilities and solid family values. These are the very same qualities that are often cited by women who are looking for a mate.
So - when you're figuring out how to 'work this thing' known as online dating, remember that 40 million other users are wondering the same thing and most are just hoping that someone like you is out there to meet.
Dating Challenge: Crossing the 'Friend Zone'
You've had feelings for your friend for a while and you're worried about crossing the line and ruining the friendship. That's not really true, of course, but that's what you keep telling yourself so you can justify not putting yourself on the line and risking rejection.
Sure -- it's possible to love a friend of the opposite sex without picturing him or her in bed. Having feelings for your friend doesn't necessarily prove Harry's theory in "When Harry Met Sally" who famously declared that "No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."
There are exceptions to Harry's rule, but one thing is certain -- being seen as just a friend by all the people you want to date can be frustrating. So here are a few ways to prevent being stuck in (cue scary music): 'The Friend Zone':
1. Do Flirt
It's okay if romance is on your brain when you greet your friend. In fact, it can fuel the chemistry. It's good for your friend to catch you subtly checking him or her out. As long as you're not drooling or gawking, it can be sexy. You want your friend to think he or she imagined the look. Light touching and sincere and specific compliments are great for flirting, too.
2. Don't Be the Problem Solver
Are you on speed dial every time your friend needs something fixed or wants to process a bad relationship? It's nice to help your friend occasionally, but make sure you're not the one he or she associates with problems.
If you do come over to help, mention that you're happy to assist for an hour but have plans after that. Better to remain a little mysterious and have your friend wondering who else is getting your attention.
3. Have Fun
Create unique memories. You're aware of your friend's passions, so initiate fun and interesting activities that you know your friend will enjoy but isn't doing with others.
And -- if someone has dumped you, confide in a friend you don't have feelings for! Remember to keep an upbeat attitude and stay confident -- those are two of the most attractive qualities cited by singles when looking for a mate.
Of course, not every friendship ends with a romantic happy ending and you may have to be prepared that your crush just wants to stay your friend. You'll have to decide if that's enough for you.
In the meantime, if you feel like you often end up in the friend zone with people you want to date, plant some of these seeds and see if anything grows in your relationship. Sometimes a glass of wine or a flirtatious exchange can change the dynamic... and you look at each other and wonder why it took so long.
Opponents of same-sex marriage didn't have to look far to find footage of a boisterous San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom declaring - in his best Howard Dean voice - that gay marriage is here to stay, "like it or not."
They took it right off the city's official Web site.
"It stood out like a diamond on a donkey's behind," said Frank Schubert, co-chairman of the campaign to pass Proposition 8, the constitutional amendment on the Nov. 4 ballot to ban same-sex marriages.
The Newsom moment was like a gift from fundamentalist heaven.
"He just looked so smug and cocky," Schubert said.
Now Newsom is the star of a new 30-second spot by the Yes on 8 Protect Marriage Committee. It shows the mayor at a May 15 rally at City Hall trumpeting the state Supreme Court's decision to allow same-sex marriages.
"This door's wide open now. It's going to happen - whether you like it or not," a growling and grinning Newsom declares to cheers.
"We tested (the ad) in focus groups and it was just off the charts," Schubert said.
Not exactly the kind of introduction to state voters that gubernatorial wannabe Newsom was looking for. But then his chief political strategist, Eric Jaye, said opponents' use of the mayoral sound bite was predictable.
"They can't debate this on the merits, so they try a misdirection - 'Vote against
Newsom will keep playing his part true to form - he'll be campaigning against Prop. 8 at noon Friday over at UC Berkeley's
Withdrawal: Bank of
But now, industry insiders predict
If history is any indication, the new merger could mean many of the 600 or so well-paying
Plus, BofA has branches near almost every one of the nine
Former Bank of America CEO and chairman Dick Rosenberg tells us First Republic provides BofA with a "unique brand name in San Francisco." He says that while many of the backroom operations will probably be consolidated, they "should be very careful before they decide which branches to close."
BofA spokeswoman Colleen Haggerty said that until shareholders and regulators grant final approval for the Merrill Lynch takeover, BofA and
Star attraction: Considering the size of the crowd, the reopening of the California Academy of Sciences this past weekend went as smoothly as anyone could have hoped - unless you were a freaked-out sea dragon or one of the many patrons stuck in the rain forest exhibit while waiting to get through U.S. Department of Agriculture-mandated double doors.
The sea dragons were on edge because, despite numerous "no flash" signs around the deep sea aquarium, visitors with cameras kept flashing away - driving the light-sensitive fish to the top of the tank, where even more light awaited them.
Eventually, handlers put a black plastic covering over the tank top, giving the sea dragons some peace. Cameras have since been banned from the tank area.
The double doors at the rain forest were required by the feds to make sure none of the exhibit's rare birds and butterflies get out. They did their job, but they also made it hard for the 16,000 human visitors to escape.
By the way - on Sunday, when the $24.95 adult entrance fee kicked in, attendance at the academy dropped by half, to about 8,000.
Bobbing for Bobb:
"If it's the right circumstances, I'm open," Bobb told us Tuesday.
Mayor Ron Dellums recently brought in Bobb to help sort out city's $50 million-plus budget mess and to advise him on how to restructure City Hall.
In the next two weeks, Bobb is also supposed to furnish Dellums with a list of possible replacements for fired City Administrator Deborah Edgerly.
And although nobody has actually offered Bobb the job, we're told he has had a conversation with City Attorney John Russo about how he might "undo" his 2003 retirement to come back on board.
The bigger question may be whether
Welcoming party: No matter how she fares during Thursday's debate, GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin can count on a big greeting - from protesters as well as supporters - when she shows up at the Hyatt Regency in
Democrats have already sent out a flier to party activists urging them to turn out in force for the 10:30 a.m. Sunday brunch to send a message that "Republican values are not welcome in
But that's not likely to stop some big
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